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Post by carter dominic andrews on Aug 31, 2011 9:31:36 GMT -5
There was no denying that Carter had been weird for the past couple of weeks, everyone and their mother could probably see that, and his attitude had taken a turn for the worse recently when Tim had been involved. It's not that he was mad at him or anything, but instead was so confused he just did not know what to do with himself. Tim would try to cuddle up to him, something that was so normal for the pair of them, and all Carter would do was keep his arms limp or just shrug the man off altogether. He could not keep hiding what he'd done, Tim deserved better than this deceit, and maybe after telling him he could move past it and forget about that gorgeous blonde at the bar. He hadn't even seen Matt since, not that he'd went back to that bar to look for him, but that night was something that was so out of the ordinary he could never expect anything to come of it. Tim would forgive him, he had to, it was in his nature to forgive Carter for everything.
Or at least that is how he felt as he opened the door to their apartment and stepped inside glancing around at all he could see hoping Tim could easily be found. "Tim, you around?" He called as he kicked his shoes off near the door and started through the apartment to find him. "You home, Tim?" He called for him again as he started down the hall, and as he was about to turn to head into the bedroom he saw Tim standing in the door. Carter jumped back slamming into the wall behind him as his heart pounded out of his chest. "Damnit, you scared the hell out of me." His breathing increased to a steady clip, but he soon tried to calm himself down knowing he'd need all the breath and strength he could muster. "You busy or do you have a few minutes to talk?" Carter stepped away from the wall and slinked past Tim so he could enter the bedroom, and once inside he went and sat on the edge of the bed putting his hands behind his head and falling back until his back touched the sheets.
He stared up at the ceiling as his body lay tense against the bed. He couldn't even bring himself to look at Tim and honestly had no clue where in the bedroom he'd been at this moment. "I have something I sort of need to talk to you about, if you're not busy that is." If he'd been busy it'd just be a sign that Carter should wait until another time to come clean. Damn he wished that Tim was busy so he did not have to do this, but he just couldn't hold out any longer as the past few weeks were just too much for him to handle. He needed to get this off his chest, and then he could get Tim to forgive him and he'd be good to go, it was all so perfect. At least he thought it'd be, but little did he know things would not end on a good note for him today.
[/blockquote][/justify]
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Post by tim on Sept 6, 2011 12:37:10 GMT -5
Tim wasn't really sure what was going on with his life. Especially with him and Carter. Ever since graduation, things had been off, and lately something had been just plain wrong. It seemed that, no matter what he did, Carter pulled away from him as if afraid of his touch. And, when Tim tried to talk about it, he found the conversation only went in circles. It was breaking him down bit by bit; he didn't even like coming home any more, it had gotten so bad. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but he picked up extra shifts at work, spent more time at the gym, anything to avoid the awkward situation brewing in his love life. He didn't want to lose Carter. Not now, not ever. But for once, he couldn't figure out how to fix them. He couldn't concentrate on anything.. his mind was always stuck back with his boyfriend, trying desperately to figure out where things were going wrong. To put it simply, he was terrified. Carter was everything he'd ever known, and now, he was slipping away.
Today, upon finding the apartment empty, Tim had decided to take a moment to lay down in the silence. It was strange, being surrounded by evidence that the two of them had been happy and normal. Flat out on his back across the bed, hands tucked behind his head, Tim stared up at the ceiling. His mouth was drawn in a tight line of thought. His eyes were dark. Every ounce of his being was screaming at him to fight, to get things back where they belonged, but he just couldn't think of a way to do that. He was at a complete loss. In fact, he was so preoccupied by his helpless thoughts that he didn't realize Carter was home until the other man called his name. Taking in a breath, Tim sat up, pulling himself to the edge of the bed and sliding to his feet. Silently, he moved to the doorway, watching Carter for a brief moment before his presence became known.
At Carter's moment of fear, Tim felt his lips twist in the ghost of an amused smile. Usually, he would have made fun of his friend for being so skittish, but right now he wasn't even up for attempting such jokes. "Yeah, I'm home," he said unnecessarily. "No, I'm not busy." He sounded almost as tired as he felt. He wanted to know what was bothering Carter, he really did... he just needed to find a way to fish it out of him. The thought of trying that again was exhausting. Tim moved a hand from the door frame so that Carter could slink by - not even allowing the corner of his sleeve to touch him, Tim noted sadly. With a sigh, he turned, following the other man. Sitting back down on the bed next to him. Picking at a thread on the blanket. At Carter's next words, however, his head snapped up and around to look at his boyfriend.
"Wow, you actually want to talk?" he snapped, before realizing what he was doing. He ran a hand over his face, shaking his head. "Sorry. I didn't mean... if you want to talk, I want to listen. I always have enough time for you." Tim's voice very nearly broke, for he knew he hadn't exactly been making himself accessible recently. Hopefully, Carter would say whatever he had to say, and they could find a way to make everything better.
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Post by carter dominic andrews on Sept 8, 2011 7:31:48 GMT -5
Carter could not understand, for how busy Tim had been recently the one time Carter wanted him to have something going on he was as free as a bird. Typical, things never worked out in Carter's favor when it meant getting things off his chest, but it was enough of lying and he needed to get this off his chest. It had been the worst thing that he had ever done to the other man, and that was saying a lot considering Carter was nowhere near the perfect boyfriend. He was a wreck most of the time, pre-occupied by drinking to forget important dates and events, and when he was sober he could never keep his hands off of the other. Things rarely got done, but just as usual Carter would pull away before things got too serious. He loved Tim, needed him in his life, and yet he refused to make love to him. It just did not make sense, especially since it took all of three seconds to make that decision to be with the blonde at the bar.
He sighed still keeping his attention focused on the ceiling as he did take one quick glance in Tim's direction, but mostly just to see what he was doing. He had not expected Tim to come closer, much less to sit on the bed, so when he felt the movement of the mattress he bit his bottom lip unsure if he could go through with this admission. He tried to keep his attention fixed on anything but Tim, at least then he might be able to get through this, but as Tim snapped Carter's eyes were drawn to him as he took in a sharp breath and held it for a second. He deserved that, since everything had happened he'd barely said ten words of worth, so he couldn't say anything about that. He instead listened as Tim changed his words around to appeal to him with that usual pleasant manner, and all Carter wanted to do was to tell him to stop acting so kind, he did not deserve any of it.
I always have enough time for you, the words echoed in his mind as he stared at the ceiling unable to break his concentration as he could feel his eyes getting moist. How in the world was he supposed to tell him what happened? Should he just come right out and say it, or was he supposed to break the ice with something first? He'd never been in this situation, and damnit he did not like this one bit. He enjoyed the other night, but he also enjoyed his relationship with Tim, why couldn't everyone just be happy with both and be done with it? He knew Tim would be upset, especially knowing that Carter went elsewhere for sex and refused to seek his own boyfriend, so seriously what could Carter do right now? He blinked, his eyelids staying shut for longer than usual before he pried them open, and as he did so he tilted his head to the side so he could see Tim easier. "I fucked up, plain and simple, fucked up." He wished he could keep it at that, but he knew that Tim was too smart to not pry for the honest answer. "I love you and i'm sorry." Of course Carter loved him, had for a while, but tonight he wasn't sure that even love could keep these two together.
[/blockquote][/justify]
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Post by tim on Sept 8, 2011 12:10:53 GMT -5
For some reason, Tim's limbs felt unnaturally heavy, all pulling him down in the direction of the floor. He was exhausted. Of this, of everything; of not being happy, of not feeling like everything was fine and dandy any more. So, as he lowered himself next to Carter on the bed, he couldn't help but slouch more than normal. He was afraid to look at his boyfriend, but more afraid to look away, as if doing so would give Carter a reason to disappear. There was a long silence following Tim's outburst, in which Tim didn't know what to say and Carter didn't seem to know how to say what he wanted to. Contrary to previous such times, Tim didn't pressure him in any way. He just wanted the truth, plain and simple, and nothing had worked in getting it up to this point. So, he let Carter go at his own pace, figuring something would pop out of his mouth sooner or later.
After what seemed like an eternity of thought, the other man finally found his voice. Tim eyed him warily. This was a start, but it didn't really mean anything. Carter had 'fucked up' before. In fact, they both had. But judging from the other man's demeanour, this wasn't just a forgotten date or a simple mistake. Now, Tim was well and truly afraid. As his companion jumped straight to 'I love you's and apologies, Tim slid his hands over his face, burying himself in the cool darkness they offered for a few seconds before sliding them up through his hair and dropping them back onto the bed. "You... love me," he stated, the word tasting bitter in his mouth. Almost as if he might not believe it. "You love me, but what have you done that's so terrible?" He pulled his knees up onto the bed so that he could fully face his boyfriend, wanting nothing more than to hold him and kiss him and tell him that everything would be okay, that they would work through it and that Tim didn't even care what he'd done, because it couldn't have been bad enough to tear them apart. But he didn't. Things had been too strange lately, too unbearable. This time was different than the rest. The knot of dread in his stomach grew.
"What have you done that's so terrible that you can't even look at me any more?" he continued, emotion beginning to force its way into his voice. "That you can't even be in the same room as me... that, for the past week, you haven't even touched me?" Tears were welling in his eyes, now, as the sadness and uncertainty he'd been ignoring began to force their way out. "God, please, just tell me, because I don't know how much more of this I can take, Carter. I need to know what's going on with you. With us." Tim stopped, dragging in a ragged breath. His mouth drew into a tight frown, holding back a wave of frustrated tears, not wanting the other man to know how much this was getting to him.
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Post by carter dominic andrews on Sept 10, 2011 7:56:10 GMT -5
He wished this could all just go away and he wouldn't have to admit to anything. He had hoped it could be as simple as saying he was sorry and that'd be the end of it, but as Tim started to question him Carter felt like he'd sunk into the bed another few inches. Carter could feel the bed moving once again as he closed his eyes and tried to settle himself by taking deep breaths, but as he peaked his eyes open he felt even worse now that Tim could see him even better. He let his head drop to the side as he looked around for something that he could use to cover his face, but he knew that just hiding his face wasn't going to solve anything so he sighed and turned his attention back to Tim. He could tell Tim wasn't happy, not that he was too mad right now but he just seemed confused and aggravated, but who could blame him right?
He started to listen to the onslaught of words that were springing from Tim's lips, and all he could do was think about what he'd done, or who more precisely as Matt came strutting into his mind. He blinked once, that flashed image of the blonde taking over in his mind, but as he opened his eyes the blonde had soon been replaced with this brunette that Carter had held so dear for so many years. Tim wanted to know, practically begged him to just come right out with it, so what more was Carter supposed to do than tell him? He rolled himself up so he was in the sitting position, but still feeling too close to Tim he had to stand up and distance them. If he were going to tell him what had happened he did not want to be near him in fear he'd get punched or knocked out cold. He slunk across the room until he was near the door, but instead of leaving he rolled against the doorframe until his back was on the wall of the room and he slid down until his arms were cuddled around his legs trying to curl himself up in a small ball.
"You know how I finally got my license right?" He started with his story, that seeming like the easiest thing for him to do, "well when I got home you weren't here, nobody was around, and I couldn't get ahold of any of you." He shrugged as he leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. He could not even bring himself to look at Tim while he was talking. "I went out alone that night to celebrate, and I ended up going to that dive of a bar outside of town," Tim could probably care less to hear everything leading up to what happened. You could tell that Carter was doing nothing more than dragging out the story, but he knew the second he mentioned the other male Tim would understand. He knew that with mention of someone else Tim would be gone, even though he hoped they could work it out he now feared the worse.
He sighed as he brought his hand around to massage the back of his neck, it having already started to sweat from the pickle he'd got himself into, and his nerves with each word seemed like they were getting to be too much to handle. He wanted to puke and he wasn't even hung over, what the fuck was up with that? He looked up and over at Tim and knew he just had to come right out with it. He could leave it in no longer, Tim deserved better than all of this, so with one single breath he stared over at him, hurt apparant in his eyes as he let the breath out slowly telling him what he wanted to know all along, "I met a guy there." Here it came, Tim was a smart man and could put two and two together, so feeling defeated Carter sunk back against the wall and tucked his head between his knees. "I was drinking and he was there, and he just wanted to help me celebrate." And help him he did, right into a bedroom at an area hotel.
[/blockquote][/justify]
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Post by tim on Sept 10, 2011 11:49:57 GMT -5
It was strange, how Tim could miss Carter so much while he was sitting right there, only inches away. He remembered running his hands through that hair, being able to pull him closer and hold him and know that it was what they both wanted. Now, he wondered if he would ever do that again. He knew it was cliche, but if he'd known the last time would be the last time... he drew in another breathe, deciding to let Carter finish before jumping to any conclusions. Unfortunately, the other man chose that moment to get off the bed, and Tim sunk even more, knowing he was still the reason. He watched his boyfriend move toward the door - preparing to stop him if he did try to escape, but figuring Carter wouldn't attempt anything that ridiculous. Not this time. Silence pressed in on them as Carter moved back to a sitting position. Tim stayed where he was, watching with a serious expression, feeling completely helpless.
Finally, the story began. Tim's immediate thought was that Carter had hit somebody, that he'd gotten into an accident, but he quickly realized this couldn't be the case. If it had, there would have been some damage to the car, right? It might have even been impounded. Either way, he was sure Carter wouldn't have been able to hide that for so long. "Yeah," Tim answered quietly. Of course he knew that. But the other man needed to start somewhere. As Carter continued, Tim nodded, eyes never leaving his boyfriends' face, expression never shifting from one of terrified curiosity. When he got to the bit about the bar, Tim's lips twitched. Drunk driving? No. That was bad, but not bad enough. For a moment, Tim glanced away, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. It was all he could do to focus on breathing right. As much as he wanted to know what was going on, the way Carter was dragging it out made him almost nauseous with anxiety. However, he swallowed his discomfort, knowing it would be a mistake to force the issue.
When Carter looked over at him, Tim knew it was coming. The thing he'd been dreading. He swallowed, folding his hands together and twisting them so that his fingers wrapped around each other slightly. He could see that this was difficult for the other man; all of his instincts told him to run and comfort him like usual, but something was holding him back. That knot of dread in the pit of his stomach, growing, contorting as his best friends' voice filled the room. 'I met a guy there.' Tim froze. Inside and out, he froze, eyes unable to focus on anything, body unable to move. His gaze drifted to the wall next to Carter's head, turning him into an inconsequential blob on the floor of their bedroom rather than the person he'd loved for... he didn't know how long. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Carter's next words took a moment to sink in. Tim began to think there was something wrong with his ears, too.
After a moment, he remembered to take in a breath, managed to turn his eyes completely away from Carter to focus them on his own lap. His hands, which had fallen apart, now lay useless. He knew he should have been hurt. In fact, he should have been devastated. He should have been yelling and breaking things and running out of the house to find this guy and show him a thing or two, he should have had tears streaming down his face. He should have lost it. Instead, he only felt numb. It spread from his chest outward, encapsulating his whole body until the pain was reduced to a dull throb in the bottom of his throat. After what seemed like an infinite amount of time, he opened his mouth again, voice cracked and shaken. "Celebrate... how?" His eyes snapped upward again, his so-called boyfriend suddenly crystal clear in his line of vision. Tim's expression, while not cold, had lost all emotion previously displayed. It was dark, wanting answers, needing them now. He needed to know how bad it had been. A kiss, or the whole shebang? Tim was forgiving to a fault, but a line had to be drawn somewhere, and it needed to be drawn within the next two seconds.
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Post by carter dominic andrews on Sept 12, 2011 7:41:55 GMT -5
There, he had said it and they were free to move on and forget about it, so why on earth was Tim still asking questions? Carter glanced up at him, disbelief written all across his face, as he could not believe that Tim could not put two and two together. He couldn't be dumb enough to not understand what had happened between Carter and this mystery man that night, so why would he want to hear him say it? It was bad enough he'd done it, but to have to sit around talking about it? Damn, he just was not ready for that to happen. "Tim," he started but soon stopped, explaining this would be hard to do but apparantly it needed to be done.
He pulled his hands away from his legs and stretched his feet out infront of him watching as they moved across the carpet. "I never did like this carpet, look at the shitty color, almost like sandpaper too," he changed the subject, doing what he did best, but who could blame landlords for putting cheap carpet in their units? It's not like their feet had to step across it each night going to bed. "It doesn't even match the paint in here, I never even noticed that until now, it's the stupidest thing i've seen." The bedroom wasn't that bad, and as he glanced at Tim's expressionless face he knew he could not keep beating around the bush for long. How could he put what happened gently, or was that even possible?
"You really need to know? You can't just piece it all together yourself?" He never even thought that there could be different levels of intimacy, and one such as kissing might have even been forgiven. "I met a guy at the bar, more like plowed right into him, and we got a few drinks together." There was nothing wrong with getting drinks, didn't that usually go hand in hand with celebrating? "I don't really remember what happened next," he shrugged hoping that Tim would believe him, but as he watched the mans face he knew he wasn't buying any of that. "You should go into business as a police officer or something, I feel I should have this big bulb in my face bright as hell," he was being questioned and put on the spot so why not? It couldn't make things worse.
"Fine, if you must know, I think we kissed at the bar," he knew they had kissed at the bar, and part of him wanted to just leave it at that so Tim hadn't found out the rest, but he knew he could not do that to the man (no matter how selfish Carter wanted to be right now). "It was crazy in the bar so we thought it'd be better to just get out of there," it was true at least, well to a certain degree, the people at the bar could have lashed out at any time. "I was mad that I couldn't find anyone so I didn't want to come home, and the guy didn't even have a place to live since he's just a drifter, so we thought it'd be alright to spend the night together." There were other reasonings behind spending the night together, but damn did Carter have to get into specifics? He started getting the feeling Tim wasn't going to let him out of this explanation easily.
[/blockquote][/justify]
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Post by tim on Sept 13, 2011 16:14:00 GMT -5
Normally, hearing Carter say his name would have sent a shiver down Tim's spine, would have made him feel as though he could conquer the world. Now, it only sounded dead in the static air surrounding them. His eyes landed on the other man's face, but appeared to look right through him, not able to focus on anything but the tidal wave of thoughts crashing through his mind. So, this was why. This was the reason for everything. Here Tim had been, blaming himself, wondering what he could do better to make Carter stop treating him as if he were toxic, and it had been this all along? He felt a dry lump form in his throat. He was beyond tears; beyond sadness, even. He was empty.
The silence faded, replaced by the far-off tone of Carter's voice. Tim didn't want to listen to complaints about how shitty the carpet was, or how it didn't match the paint of the walls - the walls of their bedroom, in their apartment, where they were supposed to be happy and in love, and all of that other childhood, fairy-tale nonsense that was so obviously a lie. When Carter asked if he couldn't piece it together himself, Tim snapped quickly back to reality, seeing the man clearly again, anger now apparent in the set of his jaw. "No, Carter," his voice was strong, but flat, etched with sarcasm, "I can't piece it all together myself. Please explain to my why my boyfriend - that's you, in case you forgot - my boyfriend, went to some... bar, and decided to - to what? 'Celebrate' with some stranger just because he got his license and nobody else was there to congratulate him?" Tim scoffed, falling back onto the bed and sliding his hands over his face in disbelief. "It's your license! How big of a fucking deal was it that I wasn't around to celebrate your license? I just don't get it, so explain it to me!"
Finally, Carter seemed to have found his tongue, and Tim stared up at the ceiling as his words washed over him. So, they got drinks together. "Go on," Tim suggested at the other man's obvious hesitation. He barely even sounded like himself any more. In fact, he sounded mean. Unforgiving. It was unnatural, even to Tim's own ears, but he found that he didn't want to stop it right now. When Carter said he didn't remember, Tim let out a humourless laugh, sitting back up and focusing on him once more. "You forget? Oh my god!" He sounded a bit hysterical, pulling his legs up onto the bed and crossing them over each other, leaning forward as if incredibly interested in his friends' story. "You had a couple drinks with this stranger, and then suddenly - poof! Memory gone!" He lifted his eyes as if looking for the misplaced memory, then turned them back down, lips curling into a frown as the momentary wave of cruelty passed.
When Carter told him he should become a police officer, Tim raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, well," was his only response. Clearly, he was tired of this beating-around-the-bush game. He wanted answers - needed answers - and he knew Carter knew it. When the time did come, however, it was harder for him to take than he'd originally thought. Up until this point, he supposed, he hadn't really believed it. There had been that inkling of hope: maybe his boyfriend was just overreacting, maybe it was just some little thing that was getting blown out of proportion. Now, the only straw he could grasp at was the thought that maybe, just maybe, it had only been a kiss. A kiss, he could forgive. He knew how drinking could stir up one's emotions, and under the right circumstances, lead you to do things you would regret. As Carter continued, however, Tim knew there was no going back. 'Getting out of there,' 'spending the night together...' they only lead to one thing.
With this realization arrived the pain, shattering through the numbness like a bulldozer through a windowpane and destroying everything in its path. Tim crumpled in on himself. His eyes brimmed with tears, but he didn't have the strength left to cry them. "You thought," he managed, voice raspy due to the growing lump in his throat, "you thought it would be alright." He blinked rapidly, drawing in a breath. "When is anything ever going to be enough for you?" Tim began to push the hurt away, not wanting to appear as broken and useless as he really was. "I try, you know that? I try to be enough. The... the drinking, the family issues? I listen to you. I come find you when there's nobody else left in the world for you to call, even if it means I have to drop everything. I love you in every way I know how, in every way you'll let me, and it still isn't good enough?" Tim didn't know where these words were coming from, but they spilled out of him, seemingly without end. "What more can I do? What more can I give?"
Clearly, Tim expected answers. However, he wasn't really counting on getting any. These weren't easy questions, especially not for Carter. In fact, Tim wasn't even sure if Carter knew what he needed.. and maybe that was the problem. But it certainly wasn't an excuse. Not for this. "You won't have sex with me, but you'll have sex with some stranger at the bar? That doesn't even make sense! Is there something wrong with me?" He wasn't quite yelling, wasn't out of control, but he was getting there. Already he was trying to think of what to do. He certainly couldn't stay here, couldn't go to that campground opening or whatever this weekend... his thoughts were a tangled mess of questions, questions, questions. Questions for everyone and everything, questions that could never be answered. It was overwhelming.
ooc So uh.. I really don't know how it got so long? xD Hopefully it's not too much work to write a reply.
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Post by carter dominic andrews on Sept 28, 2011 8:09:11 GMT -5
Instantly, upon hearing his name spoken by the other male, Carter wished this floor had been made of dirt so he could dig himself a hole and hide. Maybe if he hid long enough Tim would forget what he just said and the two could move on. Would he ever be as happy with Carter as before now that he knew what he was capable of? Carter wished he had a better reason for doing anything, but he could blame nothing more than him being selfish. That is really what it boiled down to, and although he wished it possible he feared he could never change. He'd try though, and for all he knew he might just surprise himself and become a better man out of all of this, or at least a man so he could stop being such a child. Carter tried to listen to Tim as he spoke, but each time he put emphasis to a word it felt like daggers to his chest. "I go to bars all the time, that's not what you should be mad about." He mouthed off, that inner child starting to become defiant before Carter silenced him once more. "You make it sound like I should have given it a little more thought, but when have I ever thought longer than a minute about something? You know better," Carter could not understand why he needed to be so defiant, but like all children when they were scorned they felt the need to fight back (even if they knew they were wrong). "I think licenses are big fucking deals, thank you very much." He shrugged, it had been his first step into adulthood he'd thought, but like always see where that got him?
He knew he needed to give Tim what he wanted, the truth, but as he started to piece the night together one still vivid in his mind he just watched Tim's actions. You could tell that the man had been near his snapping point, and although Carter kept trying to make a diversion Tim seemed hot on the trail. He had a feeling Tim had known right from the start and this was all torture, but could you blame the man if that would make him feel better? Tim knew him better than that, and he could not remember the last time that he'd drank so much that he blacked out. "It's possible," he shrugged as he could hear the sarcasm dipped words springing from Tim's mouth. "I could have been slipped something." Carter was not making it any easier for himself, so instead of continuing with the sarcasm himself he just shook his head, "I wasn't though." He wanted Tim, or more importantly himself, to know that what he'd done that night had been of his own will and power. He knew that Tim could no longer stand his taking his sweet time, so not wanting to postpone the lashes any longer he kept going with his story not that he wanted to though. He did not come right out and say what he'd done, but he did use key phrases that would hopefully fill Tim in just as easily. He could not look at Tim any longer in fear of how he would see him, so instead as he finished speaking his voice went silent as his sights set on the floor while he fidgeted with a carpet fiber.
Here it came, Carter could sense that Tim was about to burst at the seams, and sure enough it did not take long before he heard him start to talk again. He was surprised he was not getting hollered at, but he could hear that lump in the others throat growing as Carter could feel his eyes starting to swell with tears. He did not want to hear Tim as upset as this, knowing that he'd been the cause of it, so as his emotions started to finally take over he tried taking calm deep breaths to keep himself from breaking down. It was not working though, and as Tim asked Carter the question about being good enough he could feel the first tear stain his cheek as it dribbled down towards his nose. He was certain now was not the time to talk to him, he needed to let him say everything that was on his mind, so instead when he wanted to answer these questions he just stayed silent as yet another tear dropped from behind his eyelid. He was thankful that his face was too the floor, but he felt the need to shield himself even more as he pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them. Hearing Tim tell him how much he loved him made his heart feel like it was tightly squeezed in a vice grip. He refused to answer as Tim asked him what more he could give, and instead just sighed into his knees as he could feel even more tears taking over. Carter hated getting emotional, but feeling like he'd lose Tim was probably the worst pain he'd experienced up to this point. This was even worse than losing his parents, but that was a given considering the amount of love and devotion Timothy had for him. He just hoped that Tim didn't honestly expect Carter to say something right now, but if he did it'd be just one more thing that'd disappoint him in the end. Carter just couldn't, wouldn't give him any right now.
There it was, the word that Carter had avoided all night, sex. He knew that Tim would have put two and two together, but he wished it didn't have to be like this. Hearing Tim ask if there was something wrong with him Carter groaned frozen in his spot. He found the courage to lift a hand to wipe away some of the tears, his eyes probably bloodshot, but that was a usual look of his when he drank so it wasn't too far out of the ordinary. Carter picked his head up from between his knees and did the unspeakable, he looked at Tim for the first time since he'd figured it out, and he could tell that he'd crushed the other man. He did not want to think that he'd been the source of all that pain, but he knew it was all because of him and nobody else. Tim was happy, or at least a fraction of the word, when he'd first found him, and now this? Damn, why couldn't Carter just leave? Tim couldn't possibly want him to answer any of these questions could he? He did not move though, he did not storm out like Carter had expected, so something must have been keeping him around. He figured he wanted at least something out of him, so as Carter started to position himself to stand up he shrugged his shoulders heavily. "He knew what he was doing," Seriously Carter, out of everything you could possibly say it had to be that? He should have said he was sorry, but he couldn't very well take the words back now could he? He had to half ass a story now to explain. "I wanted our first time together to be perfect, but how was that supposed to happen when we didn't even know what we were doing? At least now I know, sorta." He knew his backside had hurt by the end of the night, that much was sure, but other than that it was pretty much a learn as you go process that seemed idiot proof.
NOTES. O:< apparantly tarter muse comes out when I want oatmeal for breakfast haha. I'm all "nope, gotta reply to this before I boil the water". An hour later VOILA damn sad tarter
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