AUCTION EYE CANDY UNFOILED

[Mister ''X"]

Holy shit, I can't even tell you how excited I am tonight! You all probably thought I couldn't show any emotion other than loathing and hatred, but i'm about to prove you wrong! I came online only to check email and I spied that eye candy list that was put up, and I about pissed my pants I started to laugh so much. I'd pay the charity money just to bag those people up and send them to some island to be blown up, and here you all thought I was a Scrooge who wouldn't have given them a dime. Hell, i'd pay them a mint to broadcast the blast over youtube so I could watch it! See, can you all tell how fucking happy I am tonight? I am over the moon about this list of sixteen, and you can bet i'm going to be at the auction just for the laugh factor. I wanted to try something different tonight and help you guys out (shocker right?), so below i'm going to be grading the sixteen people! I'll use the 0-10 scale and tell you how likely it is someone will snatch them off the stage. Sounds like a blast right? Fuck yes, lets get this party started!

BROOKLYN VANCELETTE, 8-10, she's one of the younger girls in the sweet sixteen, but there is nothing sweet about this girl. She dresses like a skank and can't say no, so what man looking to score wouldn't bid on that beauty? All he'd have to do is tell her to get naked and the clothes would come off. Alright, alright, maybe i'm being a little harsh but seriously when has that chick ever said no? Oh right, when she was dumping that ex a little while back, good times. She's hot and her boyfriends MIA so I see her going pretty easily.

WESLEY SULLIVAN, 6-10, where the fuck did this cowboy come from? He looks like an extra off that Cowboys VS. Aliens movie with Harrison Ford. I'd prefer he look like a wookie from Star Wars but a cowboy will have to do. He owns his own construction company so it means he knows how to handle wood, but girls don't seem all that interested in the good guy types anymore. He's got the accent that'll drive the chicks wild, but he starts using his manners and he'll ruin all chances of a good bid. I would have given him only a 5-5 because it could go either way, but something tells me his chances are a little higher than usual.

TAYLOR MONROE, 5-10, who the hell is this chick? I've seen her around the campus and she's always throwing her money around, but she doesn't put out on the first date so do you see the problem? She's hot and has a shit load of money so people will want to bid on her, but if there's no chance of getting her into bed do you really see them spending that much money for a dinner and movie? Fuck that, buy a prostitute and eat a TV dinner if you're into that kind of thing. She'll be a good buy for some lame ass man, but a real one's going to be on the lookout for some whores.

SEBASTIAN CHAMERLAIN, 7-10, the chicks seem to be multiplying around here so any male stands a higher chance of getting picked. I could have sworn this dude was into other dudes though, and if that's the case all those chicks will be barking up the wrong tree. Could you imagine if someone buys this fucker for hundreds of dollars just to have him turn around and say he'd prefer a male? I'd pay to see the chicks face if he did something like that. He looks decent enough but who am I to even judge? I'm being rather generous with this number so he better fucking prove he deserves it.

REBECCA DI SANTOS, 8-10, remember those whores I was talking about people? If you're looking for a hot piece of ass for the night than she is one of your girls. She's not about to get attached to someone and likes to have a good time, so I see some horny pervert being the one to scoop her up and off the market. Doesn't her giving sex up on this date make it almost like prostitution with the money being exchanged? I doubt she'd be above blowing for some dough, but who the hell knows really with her. She's a pretty safe bet so I don't see her lasting forever up on stage.

PRESTON ADRIANI, 7-10, this one I had a hard time trying to figure out because he's kept to himself lately. He was a ladies man around the high school, but something inside of him has practically died and he's just not who he used to be. I'm hoping he gets his shit together before Sunday, but even if he doesn't like I said the boys get the higher rankings. He's young, the ladies think he's hot, and he's smart enough to do your homework so what more could you want? I'd say buy him and put him to work for the night!

PARIS D'AGASTINO, 9-10, I would have given her a perfect score but I since when have I given someone that high of a ranking? This chick has it all from the rocking body to that fucking dream car! She puts out and likes to party, so who wouldn't want to take her for a spin? She's one of your best chances for a good time, but only if you're into that badass kind of woman. I thought she was a lesbian for the longest time, but even then who could complain as long as she'd be willing to let you watch? You know, the more I think about, maybe buy her along with some other chick up there and make them give you a private show. Sit back and relax bub, it was money all well spent.

MAX RICHARDS, 9-10, another near perfect score from the brooding basketball player! The man barely has to crack a smile and he's got the girls kissing his feet. He's practically a local celeb from the college so he has that going for him, and don't forget how he loves to get shit faced and party. Who wouldn't want to spend the night with a college fucking icon? I'll admit that i'm jealous that the man gets more play than me, but at least I don't have to play with anyones balls but my own for a living. Ha, it was a joke people, even you prudes reading this can laugh at that masterpiece. He's the golden college boy so sure he'll be pulled off stage almost as quickly as he gets on there.

MERRICK BRADFORD, 5-10, everytime I see this chick I am forced to ask myself what the fuck is wrong with the world. Is she expecting Marilyn Manson to be at the event on Sunday? Who in their right minds would buy a magic freak like her? Oh right, anyone looking for some fucking up time warp into another time for a night. I guess whoever bids on her is going to be playing off their curiosity, but remember that shit can kill the cat so be careful! At least you'll never be bored for a night, and you can cross hang with a fucking crazy off your bucket list. Look at you accomplishing stupid shit in your lifetime, good for you, pat yourself on the back why don't you?

KEAGAN RICHARDS, 6-10, first of all there's no relation between Keagan and Max, how disappointing. This number could fluctuate but for now i'm going to keep it at a six. The man has a girlfriend for pete's sake, so can he honestly expect people to jump out of their skins to bid on him? Isn't there like some unwritten girl code that you don't go after men who are taken? If there is i've never heard of it, and considering all the cheating going on around Jacksonville it's safe to say none of the females have. Maybe Jacksonville's in it's own little bubble and doesn't need to follow normal rules? His girlfriends not up for auction so maybe she'll just buy him off so no other chick can have him, but isn't he bisexual leaving it open for men to bid too? This could get interesting!

KENNEDY ADAMS, 6-10, I about died when I saw that this chick was put up for auction. Who would pay to take out a single mom for the night? I talk about this all the time, baggage, she's got some and it's never worth it when kids are involved. I was being generous when handing out her number since I remember what her job is, and if she can pull out one of those sexy nurse outfits i'm sure people would be willing to shell out a few bucks. What can I say, i'm a sucker for the legs, so her best chance would be dress as a skanky nurse and hope someone wants their uh-hum pulse taken. I wouldn't mind playing doctor with that woman. Maybe I should change it to a 7-10, maybe.

CALLUM BARLOW, 5-10, again I am just not sure about this one. I'm giving the older ones the lower ratings because who's going to want to buy something old and used when they could settle for new and still primed? I'm not saying he's too old or anything, but most of the people that spend their money foolishly are young and stupid so, well you get the picture right? There's an upside to him being up for auction though, and that's if you're wanting to make it in the music business. He's a producer so if you're looking to get signed bid on this man, make him take you to the studio for the night, and while you guys are there you can drop a track and see how he likes it. It'd be your step into the world of music, and all it'd cost you is a single night, so what's the big deal?

ISABELLA DE LUCA, 6-10, this chick has things both going for her and weighing her down. First of all she's italian so she could probably speak the sexy language in your ear all night, and did I mention that she's smoking hot and fiesty? Okay, so fiesty is just another word for bitch, but does it really matter when she's got a body like that? Her biggest issue is she's all hung up on that Reed kid, so if someone spends all this money on her they'll probably have to listen to that dudes name coming up every half an hour. That'd be alright if he was the one bidding, she might even make it worth his while, but for everyone else you're going to be one-up'ed all night by a chump who isn't even there. Who in their right minds would want that?

DEXTER CAMPBELL, 5-10, this guy can go either way so i'm going to keep him right in the middle. He could either be the thrill of a lifetime or a boring snooze fest, but you're going to have to pay to play and find out. He's a loose cannon so you'll have to watch your step around him, but I don't see the night being all that bad. Maybe he'll take you into the ring and spar around for a couple of rounds. Should I do the cliche line and tell everyone he's a total knockout? Bring up the name Keagan Richards and you'll find that out yourself though, troubled territory that name is for whatever reason. Maybe the fucker owns him money. I'm sure you'll get your moneys worth with Dexter so have at it and enjoy, maybe you'll even wake up in the morning with some new ink.

ELIZA WRIGHT, 6-10, it's like someone lit a firecracker and shoved it up this chicks ass. You can light the fuse yourself and watch her blow. I don't know how tough she is in person, but being apart of the Wright family I don't see her able to crush mountains or anything. I think Eliza might be the skankiest out of the entire family, but then again her cousin is knocked up by some stranger so I could be wrong. If her last name speaks the truth than bidding on her could just be the right thing to do, and hopefully she'll make it worth your while. She's only in high school though so that'll limit the votes, but hey even high school boys get horny so she'll do right? Wright.

DARIUS WHITFIELD, 8-10, bringing up the rear we have our very own badboy Darius Whitfield. That right there is going to score him major brownie points with the ladies, but wait didn't it just come out that he's in a relationship? For most people that would hurt their score, but for him the chicks see it as he's more sensitive now and are fucking rushing over quicker than before. He's like a babe magnet no matter what he does. He could roll around in a pile of pig shit and the chicks would still be hanging off of him wanting just one night alone. Luckily his girlfriend is broke and I don't see her spending the big bucks to keep him all to herself, so i'm sure he'll be sold off quick to the highest bidder. I bet sex is pushed by whoever gets him, but will he be able to do it given his new status? Leave it to Derek to always leave us guessing, bastard.

So there you have it, my take on the sixteen that are supposed to wow you and get you to spend money on them. Is there someone you're most interested in seeing get up on that stage? I'm anxious to see who gets stuck with who, and I will do my best to give a play by play of all the action at the auction. For now i'm out of here, i've given enough time to this blog today!

Until next time,
X

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